The Unseen Struggle

I am lost

Sometimes, a person feels so helpless because of their past mistakes that they are afraid to make even the right decisions now. It feels as if I am about to make the same errors all over again. For how long must a person pay the price for one wrong decision? Is the damage from a wrong choice unavoidable every time?

Living in constant pain, crying, blaming myself, and being separated from my loved ones—for how long and why? I feel like I have lost my ability to make decisions because of my past, and even when I try to make the right choice, I cannot. God, please show me the way. When I go through this pain and suffering, there is no one but Him who knows that this pain is real.

Does money and status really have that much power? Are only those who have money and power able to survive in this world? My whole life, I haven't been able to have my own home, my own car, or a stable career. I spend every day applying for jobs everywhere, and in the end, I receive the same email: 'After careful consideration, we have decided to move forward with other candidates.' Ha! Is this a joke played by life, or is it fate? I have seen so many people who get everything without even asking. Is asking wrong? Is this my test?

I think that even dying wouldn't bring peace when you have children behind you with no future. Even in death, you would be humiliated. Dying is only easy for those whose life was easy. The funniest part is that along with the financial crisis, people who are helpless also face emotional and social mistreatment. In our culture, there is a saying that 'the happy and the sad have no connection,' and perhaps only I can understand that.

I am spending my whole life facing failure. I feel like luck is also made by money and status. No one can understand this pain unless they are going through it themselves; for others, it just looks like 'emotional drama.' My prayer is that no daughter has to face such a fate or such pain where she can neither live nor die.